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Fat / Ugly

Fairy Tales!

Mary had a little skirt
that was split right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
t'was split right up the front
and every time that Mary walked,
...well, she didn't wear that one very often


Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.


Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.  


Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you moron!"


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "Leave it, He's only an egg."


Mary had a little lamb
It touched an electric pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon


Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was GAY!


Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, that nil
Forgot her pill
And now they have a son.


Little Boy Blew.
Hey, he needed the money.



Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes 
complain about splinters when they were having sex. 

Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see 
if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little 
sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away 

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio 
bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's 
the girlfriend?" 

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?" 


What did Snow White say when she sits on Pinocchio's face?

"Tell the truth! ... Tell a lie!...  Tell the truth! ..."


Cinderella wants to go to another ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. 

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." 

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m.,Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. 

"Where have you been?" demands the fairygodmother. 

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." 

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name! 

"I can't remember, exactly ...'Peter Peter' something

I was once asked by a girlfriend to "Write something sweet to me!".  It struck me that you shouldn't command someone to perform what ought to be a spontaneous act...sooooo... since the request itself was inherently silly, I figured a fairy tale in mode of the Brother's Grimm (you know, Hanzel and Gretel, Cinderella, Rumpstilskin, etc.) was in order.... Or maybe more dark and twisted, like something from "Fractured Fairy Tales" on the Bullwinkle show... So now.....

...The Land of SweetDesserts!

Once upon a time there was a Kingdom called SweetDesserts. This was the place where all the world's sweetest desserts came from!

One sweet magical day, the King of SweetDesserts, abruptly and without forewarning, commanded that all the sweetest desserts should come to the castle for tasted to determine which was the sweetest dessert in all the land!  So for hour after hour, the sweet desserts marched to the castle, lined up and jumped into the King's mouth. One after another, he and the courtiers chewed them up, crushing their sweet dessert bodies between his powerful molars and bicuspids. The King ate them all one after another!

But soon afterward he had eaten the last of the sweetest desserts in all of SweetDesserts, he began to develop terrible indigestion, intense abdominal distress and flatulence. After about 4 hours of intense pain and with a distended gastrointestinal tract, he began to tremble, shudder and shake violently.  Every vein on his forehead began to bulge!  Then, suddenly he exploded in a powerful eruption - spewing malodorous methane gas in huge quantity! The digestive gases swept throughout the castle like a terrible cloud of sweet death and killed everyone within 1,167.2 feet. .

But because of all the sweet desserts he had eaten, it smelled very sweet for miles about, and all the dead courtiers, princes, dukes, maidens and duchesses looked sweet as they lay dead from the sweet flatulence.

And the moral of this story is, be careful what you ask for!